


Your Finest Hour

by Alkarinque



Series: things falling in and out of place [2]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: ;), Denial of Feelings, Kissing, M/M, Years of the Trees, but not smut sorry, there's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 07:51:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17442881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alkarinque/pseuds/Alkarinque
Summary: “What are you doing here?”He jumped from his place on the floor and immediately turned his head to the sound, opening his mouth for some flimsy excuse. But he closed it the moment he saw who it was.Findekáno.(Maitimo has feelings and Findekáno chatters on without mentioning them. Until he does.)





	Your Finest Hour

**Author's Note:**

> This can be seen as a sequel to 'I'd sit alone and watch your light'. Comes kinda late but well, what can you do? 
> 
> Also, for your information: essecarme is a tradition practiced in Aman. It's basically a celebration of a baby's first name, the father name.

It was his brother’s _essecarme_ and Maitimo was hiding, like a child, from the guests.

His father had announced the name a while ago. Maitimo just had to close his eyes to see it before him: Fëanáro, proud and shining of happiness, holding the babe in the brilliant light of the ballroom, Nerdanel beside him, quiet but smiling and with copper hair falling from her shoulders like a soft waterfall. It had been an image of bliss and joy and everything that came with a new born.

Maitimo nearly felt sick. He could only think of his father’s fear, his mother’s tired eyes and the smell of blood and sweat and tears that came with childbirth. The room had been cleaned several times since, but to Maitimo it seemed like it lingered – the memory of the painful first breaths of new life.

“What are you doing here?”

He jumped from his place on the floor and immediately turned his head to the sound, opening his mouth for some flimsy excuse. But he closed it the moment he saw who it was.

Findekáno. He had one of his eyebrows raised and a foot still left on the last footstep. His hair was in its usual tight, controlled braids, but the golden jewellery was new to Maitimo. The sheer amount would have looked extravagant on anyone else, but it suited Findekáno. Most things suited Findekáno.

“Uhm”, Maitimo looked down towards the feast below them through the balustrade, then looked back at his cousin. “Hiding, I believe.”

That made Findekáno smile, amused.

“May I join?”

Maitimo made a gesture and his cousin sat down on his left side. Maitimo did not fail to notice how his big earrings clinked against his necklace nor how less cold the wall behind him felt with a body beside him.

“So”, Findekáno began, looking and leaning right, ignoring any personal space which might have existed once.

Maitimo let out a small chuckle and avoided his cousin’s eyes. They were a very nice shade of grey and blue and Maitimo only knew that he should not look at them so much. They made him think funny thoughts.

“So what?”

“So what have made you hide up here?”

Maitimo looked through the openings in the balustrade, down on the swirling mass of people and heard all their words mash together with the soft music playing. Somewhere down there his father held his youngest brother in his arms, probably still getting praise and admiration for him. His mother would be just beside him, smiling patiently though still a little tired. Perhaps even Finwë had joined them, happy and proud.

_Metallic smell of blood. His father, terrified and turned inwards, not hearing a word he said._

“Just … thinking.”

“Mmh.”

Findekáno put his head on Maitimo’s shoulder and it felt grounding and warm but also gave him a nervous, fluttering feeling in his stomach.

“I’m tired”, Findekáno began. “Tonight seems to be the night my sister decided to be in one of her angry moods. It will only take one clumsy comment and she will turn a table or something. I’ve been trying to keep her in my sight the whole evening, but lord Patindion is really good at talking. She offended someone, and I and mother had to spend an hour to fix it. I’ve put Turukáno to guard her for the rest of the night”, he sighed. “Now she’s furious.”

“Well”, Maitimo said, thinking of Írissë. “She’s never liked being controlled.”

“No, but if she isn’t then … it would be a disaster. And if it was to happen at an _essecarmë_ … “

It would be triple the disaster. And humiliating, especially since Fëanáro would have no problem pointing it out. Nolofinwë, Maitimo had learned, was a proud man, though he could be more forgiving than Fëanáro. Critique towards his children from his half-brother would not be so easily forgiven, however.

“She can leave soon”, Maitimo reassured. “She isn’t expected to stay so long. Then she can go riding or climbing to get it out of her system. Or get into a fight in the city before bed. Either way, tomorrow she will be better.”

“Mmh”, Findekáno mumbled, absently. “I will sleep the whole day, I swear.”

Maitimo chuckled and smiled. “So will I.”

“Have your siblings behaved?”

Maitimo thought of Makalaurë, proudly talking to ladies about the new addition to their family, and Tyelkormo, smiling as if it pained him and having his eyes always returning to the exits.

“They have. Thankfully. But that’s probably because we left Morifinwë at home.”

His fourth brother, still young but filled with character, already had a rumour in court for being difficult. His parents had decided to leave him at home, saying he was too young to attend such a long celebration, but Maitimo knew it was because his mother was more weary than usual, and his father did not want to tire her more than necessary.

Findekáno laughed and the vibrations made Maitimo’s heart flutter with the anxious turning in his stomach. It made him feel better.

“I wonder how he’s taking the role of big brother. Does he like it?”

“Not really. But I think that’s just because Curufinwë screams more than him”, Maitimo stopped, thought, then corrected himself:

“No, no one screams as much as he does, but people listen more when Curufinwë does it.”

“Morifinwë doesn’t scream that much, though, does he? I didn’t think so. He’s very easily angered, but that’s not the same thing.”

Maitimo stopped again to think.

“He’s been more easily upset since Curufinwë’s birth. I can’t blame him. The house has been … “

He did not finish the sentence.

_Screams and then deafening silence. His father’s panicked eyes. Morifinwë curled up underneath a table, shutting his eyes so fiercely it must hurt._

He looked at his cousin and Findekáno looked back, having lifted his head from Maitimo’s shoulder. Light caught in the golden earrings which were shaped like two circles, with vines decorating them. Maitimo, on the other hand, was caught in Findekáno’s blue and grey eyes, letting them chase away the cold feeling of memories. He remembered why he should not look at them

Findekáno frowned but said nothing. Maitimo looked away. Funny thoughts.

After a moment, he resumed talking:

“The house has been … unsettling. The birth … it was a difficult one. Mother is still not fully recovered. She’s tired. Everyone notices. And father - … during the birth he was panicked. He – he thought it would go like- like with Míriel”, Maitimo swallowed and focused on the people below. “The rest of us didn’t know what to do. The screaming … it just went silent, Findekáno. I – I thought – “

An arm came around his shoulders, steady and grounding and so typical Findekáno. Maitimo let himself lean into the embrace and his cousin let his other arm come around him as well. Maitimo held onto it. His head now lay against Findekáno’s collarbone and he could feel his cousin lightly resting his head on top of his.

“It was okay to be scared”, Findekáno whispered. “It was okay to think so. But she’s okay, and so are your brothers and father. She will be better soon.”

Maitimo listens and tries to believe it but he just hears the scream go silent over and over again.

“I’m still scared”, he whispers against Findekáno’s shirt and the moment he does he regrets it.

Maitimo was older than Findekáno by several years. He was the elder. Others opened up to him; he did not do it himself.

But Findekáno just continued holding him and said:

“One has to be. “

Maitimo expects a further explanation but gets none. Still, the fear loosens up a little and the scream going silent gets more distant. Just a little bit.

They both remain silent for the rest of the night, watching the people and listening to the music and voices mixing together. Somewhere throughout the night, Maitimo’s thoughts turn from bad memories to the feeling of Findekáno beside him; his breaths, his arms around him, his constant presence.

In fact, he thinks so much about this, that when he lay in bed several hours later he is still thinking about it and wondering, in the protection of Telperion’s soft light, how it would feel to be held in such a way, by such a person, there in his bed.

 

The next day, Findekáno came to visit.

Maitimo was in his rooms, looking through some documents his grandfather had given him. They were about the harvest and Maitimo had seldom been so opposed to reading. Therefore, he found it a relief when Makalaurë showed up in his doorway to tell him Findekáno was downstairs and that he better save him from Fëanáro, because Nerdanel was not there to do so.

When Maitimo had hurried down the stairs he was met by his father asking his best friend about Turukáno’s newfound interest for architecture.

“Rúmil mentioned it yesterday. I wasn’t aware my half-brother’s children had any interest in any crafts.”

Coming from anyone else, this comment might have seemed like normal curiosity but coming from Fëanáro it was most likely an insult in the making.

Before Findekáno could answer, Maitimo cut in:

“You were here to see me, cousin?”

Both his father and cousin turned towards him, his father slightly irritated and Findekáno glad. Maitimo noticed that his cousin wore the same earrings from the feast. The simple white shirt, though, was new.

“Yes! Both my siblings have gone away and yesterday you mentioned you had nothing to do, so I came here”, Findekáno said cheerfully, smile only barely showing his relief.

Maitimo had actually told him he had boring work to do but Findekáno had probably seen it as an opportunity to save him from it, of which Maitimo was grateful. As he was for that shirt, because it looked thinner than the one from the feast. Would it feel any different? Softer, perhaps?

“Did you not spend enough time together yesterday at the feast?” Fëanáro asked.

“One can never spend too much time together with friends, uncle”, Findekáno said and Maitimo wondered how he dared.

His father was still for a moment, then he looked at Findekáno, then at Maitimo, then at Findekáno again and then he left, grumbling. Findekáno grinned and Maitimo grinned back. He tried not to look at Findekáno’s arms too much. Or his eyes. _Grey and blue_.

“Come on up with me. With company, the harvest might not sound so horribly bleak”, he said and gestured to the stairs he had just come from.

“Now, now, cousin”, Findekáno said in playful tone, “do not speak in such a way about Tirion’s farmers – they work just as hard as you!”

He followed Maitimo up the stairs, though, and when they entered Maitimo’s room, when Findekáno sat down on a couch behind the desk, when he looked around and commented on the size of the room – _it’s much bigger than mine! –_ Maitimo was hit by the realisation that Findekáno was _here_ , in the same room where he just the night before had imagined what it would feel like to have him beside him in bed. How it would be to feel him whispering quiet words to him in a calm darkness. To have the arms around him again. His eyes on him. Lips –

“You’ve seen my room before, cousin”, Maitimo said and hoped the awkwardness would not be obvious.

He sat down by his desk but turned so he was facing Findekáno on the couch.

“Have I? I don’t recall”, Findekáno said with a smile tugging at his lips. _Lips_ -

“I think I’ve only been in your house, not in your rooms.”

Maitimo forced himself to think back.

“You’re right, you’ve only been downstairs. We’ve always gone out when you’ve been here.”

Maitimo had, on the other hand, been in Findekáno’s house and rooms many times. Nolofinwë’s house had many perks, the lack of Maitimo’s siblings being one of them.

“Indeed”, Findekáno laughed and by the Valar, had it always had such an effect on him?

“I thought about asking you to join me on a ride, or perhaps a walk, but then I remembered the harvest. Grandfather spoke about it yesterday. He thought it very important”, Findekáno continued.

Maitimo knew; Finwë had mentioned how educational it would be for him to handle this year’s production of food. Thus far, Maitimo only thought it to be tiring and time-consuming.

It was much easier to concentrate on his cousin and his arms and smile and laugh and white shirt which looked so thin that if he touched it, it would be the closest to feeling his skin. It was easier, and he did it much more gladly, because it also distracted him from that unsettling feeling his own home gave him. His own mind filled the silence with sounds and pictures from that night which had been the longest in Maitimo’s life.

“Though, based on your expression and lack of progress, I would guess you don’t”, Findekáno ended and Maitimo followed his eyes to the pile lying on his desk.

“It - … It _is_ important, I just – don’t find it very interesting or stimulating”, Maitimo said defensively, then added: “Oh, and don’t speak of _Tirion’s hardworking farmers_ again; they may be, but I bet they would not be very willing to sit down and sort out all their work every year.”

“No, they probably wouldn’t but on the other hand, they are the ones doing all the _real_ work”, Findekáno teased and Maitimo played along, snorting and trying again to avoid those eyes because when that tone was used they were always glinting in that peculiar way which set his face on fire if he was being careless with his thoughts. And Maitimo did not feel very careful with his thoughts today; no, the temptation was too strong. With his bed just in the other room and his cousin on a couch with plenty of soft blankets on it and _his cousin_ right there with lips and shirt and all and the house distinctly quiet and empty –

Maitimo bit his lip and tried to come up with a reply instead.

 

Somewhere along the line Makalaurë came by and told Maitimo their father would be taking him, Turkafinwë and Morifinwë out for the rest of the day.

“So mother can rest with the little one”, he said, eyes darting away, as if only acknowledging it was dangerous.

Maitimo said they would be quiet and let Nerdanel have her rest but Findekáno said nothing, only frowned at Makalaurë’s cautious behaviour. When Makalaurë left he turned to Maitimo and said:

“I know you told me it was a gruesome experience, but it’s strange to see it on your brothers as well.”

Maitimo said nothing, just sat in his chair and let his right hand fumble slightly with the papers on the desk.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see the full extent of it.”

“It’s nothing to be sorry over”, Maitimo reassured him. “It’s not something you would know or should know. The past hangs over my family more than it does yours. And your siblings’ births seem to have gone fine … “

Maitimo hesitated, not sure if he was right about the last part. Findekáno had never mentioned anything, but that did not mean there was nothing memorable about them.

Findekáno seemed to disagree about something of what Maitimo had stated, but he said:

“They did. They were painful, yes, but nothing which was out of the ordinary. Nothing which was not later overshadowed by the joy. But tell me, Maitimo, why have I not yet heard Morifinwë? I believe you promised me I would.”

Maitimo sighed.

 

“Do you wish to eat something? You haven’t eaten since breakfast, right?” Maitimo later asked.

Findekáno, who had been quiet for a time while Maitimo worked, looked away from the window, straight back, and seemed to think about it.

“You’re right. I haven’t. What do you have?”

“There will probably be no midday meal, with father and my brothers gone and mother sleeping … so I’m afraid you will have to do with what the cook has left”, Maitimo said, a bit ashamed for not being able to give his friend something better.

“Sounds good”, Findekáno smiled and rose from the couch. Maitimo took notice of the graceful movement and suddenly felt quite bothered. His cousin’s torso was not like he remembered it being just some years ago when Findekáno had forced him to go swimming with him. He had clearly grown into his body and Maitimo had to clear his throat to get himself back into _not thinking about that._

Findekáno looks at him, confused, but Maitimo ignored him and took the lead. He soon heard footsteps following him down to the kitchen.

They had to wake the cook, who had taken a nap before she had to make something for the lady of the house. Maitimo nearly blushed in shame when she sullenly discussed with him, being just newly awakened and therefore in a rather bad mood. Findekáno did not seem bothered by it, though. He looked rather amused but did not show it to the cook, only apologised as she warmed some leftovers on the stove.

Maitimo found himself standing quietly on the side as his cousin chatted away with the servant, asking genuine questions and laughing at her short stories about grandchildren and neighbours that came out when the bad mood dissipated. _He looks more at home in the kitchen than he does at court_ , Maitimo thought and tried not to stare too openly. The cook had been in the household all his life, but his father’s words about not showing too many emotions to the servants kept him at a distance. What if she saw his … _feelings_ , for Findekáno? It was not allowed to happen.

When she was finished and ushered them out of the kitchen with plates filled with food, Findekáno only laughed and led the way to a smaller parlour with a table. As Maitimo meant to follow, the cook touched his shoulder. He turned to her, surprised, but she only said quietly, with blinking eyes:

“Good luck with him, young prince.”

He froze, and she left him there as she returned to the kitchen and her sleep. Only when his cousin called for him did he move again, her words ringing in his head and making him blush.

_She knew._

He thought it throughout the meal, leaving him absent-minded and forgetting to answer Findekáno when he talked with him. He noticed, of course, but said little of it.

They left the plates on the table – what were servants for if not to clean it up? The cook would wake soon, anyway – when they were finished and Maitimo dragged his cousin out of the house, into the garden. The thought of being stuck inside his room again, knowing that the sight of Findekáno’s torso and face and arms and throat were just behind him – the thought was unbearable, and he felt the need to breath. The quiet house did not help.

His parents’ garden was not overly impressive – neither of them were very dedicated to it – but it had a few aisles and hedges reaching so high up it created a wall. As children, Maitimo and Makalaurë had run around in it and hidden inside the bushes while their nursemaid or even one of their parents had searched for them. Maitimo’s younger siblings did it still, though now it often became violent, with Morifinwë having an explosive temper and Tyelkormo an even more explosive tongue.

But now it was quiet, left empty of people except Maitimo and Findekáno. His cousin looked around, curious and new to it. His own was more impressive, his parents needing one for the occasions when they threw feasts for court-members, but Nerdanel and Fëanáro’s held a wild beauty not seen in central Tirion.

Maitimo observed him; his cheekbones, his thick, braided hair, his straight nose, his chin, his grey eyes so close to blue, his graceful neck, his shoulders – broader than before -, and up again to the lips-

“When will your family be back?”

Maitimo forced himself to think.

“Just after dinner, Makalaurë said.”

Findekáno nodded before his eyes stopped at a white flower. Maitimo recognised it as a common one, seen a bit of everywhere. Findekáno laughed, looked at Maitimo, who looked back, asking _what?_ without words, then he plucked it.

“I was just thinking about that time you and I went swimming, remember?”

Maitimo remembered, trying to stop his eyes from going to his cousin’s arms and chest, recalling how they had changed since then.

“You mean the time you _forced_ me to go swim with you?” he said, slipping into the easy banter and only barely registering a small twitch in the other’s face.

“Ah, of course – I _forced_ you!”

Maitimo noticed something dangerous lurking behind the words; actual anger and irritation. It threw him off and left him unusually speechless for a few seconds.

“Uh”, he said, all his father’s lessons about grace of speech gone.

“You did, obviously, not want to go with me”, Findekáno continued sharply, still holding the white flower and slowly twirling it between his fingers, face now in a darker mood.

“I … did not mean it like that”, Maitimo said, still surprised.

Both remained quiet after that, letting the silence grow deafening and uncomfortable. Maitimo swallowed and stared at the hedges until he thought he would go blind from the mere effort. The garden was now just as silent and heavy as the house. For the first time since his cousin’s arrival did Maitimo remember the night, the tears, the scream cut short.

“I am sorry”, Findekáno eventually said quietly, as if he was afraid to break the abundant silence.

Maitimo tore his eyes away from all the green and found Findekáno’s face filled with remorse.

“It is nothing”, he said and did not lie.

“I doubt it.”

“You have a right to be angry.”

“It is a small thing to be angry over.”

“That does not make it insignificant.”

“It is just so that I … “

The words died and Maitimo felt the need to stretch out a hand to smooth out the frown that had formed on the other’s face. Findekáno continued to spin the flower and they both watched the heavy petals sway in the motion. Perhaps it gave the younger courage, for at last he let out a shaky sigh and said:

“I was not angry because you said I forced you. It was frustration. Not anger, just frustration.” A moment’s hesitation. “Over … all of _this_.”

At the mention of _this_ he motioned to the air between them. Maitimo froze and heated up at the same time, not knowing what he was to think.

“What … what do you mean … _this?”_ he asked, not even able to gesture between them in his stiffness.

His cousin licked his lips and _oh no_ , Maitimo’s thoughts went in the wrong direction and he could feel his face turning scarlet. Findekáno, on the other hand, only answered, eyes flickering:

“I … “ he swallowed, “I mean to say … that I care very deeply for you, Maitimo. Not as in friendship, but”, he looked Maitimo straight in the eyes and something fluttered in his chest, “as in love. As in …  ‘I am in love with you’.”

That something burst into thousands of feelings and Maitimo felt like drowning in them. The hedges and the flowers and the garden disappeared around him like in a dream. Was it a dream? Maitimo asked himself, but no, not even his dreams in his sleep could feel like this. Not even in them could this be possible.

It took him several moments to be able to speak, all while Findekáno turned paler by the second.

“I - … me too.”

Those were the most pathetic words Maitimo had ever heard himself speak.

But it was worth it, when his cousin’s face lit up like one of Laurelin’s shining flowers slowly opening and smiled the broadest smile that Maitimo had ever seen on his face. Maitimo felt himself smile back and before he could stop himself he stretched out a hand and Findekáno took it in his own. It felt warm. And by the Valar – not even Laurelin could be enough description of what shone out of Maitimo’s chest then. His house loomed in the distance, forgotten like the dark memories.

 

“I – I think we need to go inside now … “, stuttered Maitimo, feeling his blushing face and sore lips.

Findekáno smirked and Maitimo did not know his cousin _could_ smirk until this day. It was beautiful and made him blush even more as he tried to be sensible.

“I mean, my father will probably be back soon, and if Turkafinwë finds us … “

Findekáno’s smirk fell away and was replaced by a slight frown. Maitimo felt the loss deeply.

“Perhaps you’re right. Should we go up to your room …? For you to finish those reports?”

Maitimo did not know if he meant for him to sit in his room, him so close by, and read about _the harvest_. It was unthinkable, especially now, when he knew the feeling of lips and black hair slipping through his fingers. It left just enough space to imagine skin and with his bed so close …

“That - … would be nice”, he let out and felt Findekáno’s eyes on his mouth.

He took his hand in his own and slowly started walking out of the garden. Findekáno willingly followed, quiet. Maitimo had never felt such happiness between those hedges; even his memories of he and his brother underneath the bushes, hiding, felt bleak in comparison. And that he had thought his house was dark! That those corners or corridors or rooms could frighten him! It was a strange thought now, when he had a loved one’s hand in his and with the first taste of love on his tongue. It felt as if nothing was beyond his grasp. As if all was beautiful. As if nothing was dangerous.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Was it sappy? Because I felt sappy writing that. But hey, at least they got together and Maedhros got to feel some bliss! 
> 
> I hope you liked it! Give it a kudos or even a comment if you did!


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